Elizabeth DeHority died today.
She was dearer to me than language has the power to convey.
My words fail me. She, on the other hand, never did.
I missed your last update, the one where you wrote about all the changes, transitions, hospice (uhhhh). I missed it because I have been off facebook these last few weeks. I think my mom is dying. And it scares the hell out of me. So, I've kind of curled up into this little protective ball, trying to shield my heart from any more pain. You already know that doesn't work, right? So, I missed your update, but I've been praying. I never stop. I think about you and George, and Dixon and Sam, and Emily and all of you so much. I'm a coward for hiding. You never hide, you plunge right in. I used to plunge. Grief has removed that personality trait from me. Hiding is the new plunging, or so I keep telling myself. I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend to you these last weeks. I've ripped my heart out a hundred times today because of that. It grows back every time. Each time more full of tears than the last. I woke up this morning so tired, so grouchy, so not wanting to start this day, feel this pain, worry about my mom.....then I found out you were gone. And my lungs couldn't fill up with air. When they finally did, I am sure my neighbors were worried for my life, as the tears, and heartbreak sounds couldn't be contained. What do I do with all of this grief, my friend? And don't say go out before 7am and look at the sun, I know the medical part of feeling better...but what do I do with my heart that I am left holding in my hands? It's too painful. I put on my prayer socks and talked to you today, just casual stuff, sitting on the couch, talking to my girl. I found tears slipping down my face and apologized. You didn't mind. I keep thinking about how much you still wanted to do, to see, all of the love you wanted to pour over your family, your friends. I kept thinking, it happened too fast. It always happens too fast. I want you to know this about you and me. I know you love me. You made me feel it every single time we talked. You know how much I love you, right? My dearest girl, I love you so. I love your ever giving heart that never runs out of love. It runs out of patience, but love is never in short supply. I love your dingbat jokes, and the way people want to near you. Hear that.....want to be near you.... You have that, not a lot of folks do. But what do we do now, all of us folks that still want to be near you, love you, laugh with you? Where do we go? Where do I go?
You died last night. My friend. You died and left this world. Our world, broken, held together by God's mercy alone. Our world is sadder today than it has been in a long time. And I'm laying the sadness part squarely on your shoulders. You were called home, and as glorious as that is for you.....it's down right heartbreaking for us. You left. My mom might be leaving. Let's not even talk about your William, or my dad, and brother and sister..... You left. And I missed telling you goodbye.
I love you. I am a changed person because of you. I promise on extra hard days to carry my no makeup self outside before 7am and look up towards the sun. Promise you'll be looking back. If you see a crazy woman waving in your direction, just smile. She's doing the best she can without her dear friend by her side. See you soon, sweet girl. Just not soon enough.
Love and hugs in true ESD form,